Experiment No. 10: Gift Gathering

The Basics

We’re Trying to Solve: Holiday pressure, stress, and the mental load
Target Audience: Families, children, partners, and spouses
Ages: 3 and up
Category: Holidays and celebrations
Estimated Time: 3 hours+
Difficulty Level: Difficult (but fun and meaningful)

The labor that goes into gift-giving is often invisible to kids, especially during the holidays when gifts are abundant and many parents hope to make the season feel magical for them. Research shows that giving and receiving gifts has been critical to reinforcing bonds in communities and families for centuries. The act of thoughtful exchange signals a shared commitment to acknowledging and developing relationships further. But in U.S. culture, women tend to take on the responsibility of gift-giving, from tracking the gift calendar to conceiving of gifts - often the most difficult and time-consuming part of the process - and then executing on buying, wrapping, and often giving or delivering them. But people of all ages can benefit from being involved in the gifting process.

There’s no reason why kids can’t be actively involved in the process of giving gifts to others, even if you want to surprise them with the gifts they will receive. The younger you involve children in thinking about and executing gift-giving, the more prepared they will be to carry the physical AND mental load of gifting as adults, and the more women and mothers will have the gift of more time and cognitive bandwidth to actually enjoy the holidays, too.

Here’s a plan for bringing kids (and maybe your spouse or partner too) into the process.

Directions

1. Bring everyone in the family together as early as possible to come up with a collective approach to gifts for the year. You can meet in person, or, if you've got older kids, set up a text chat. Together, list everyone you can think of that you want to acknowledge with a gift. Be exhaustive. The worst thing is remembering someone at the last minute so that stressful shopping falls back on the shoulders of the usual gift giver. (Perhaps include a plan to have a few generic gifts on hand for just this reason.) Talk about your family’s budget for these gifts. What’s the goal of your gift-giving? Is it to get something nice for these people? To show them you care? To help them through a hard time? This might influence what kind of gift you want to get for the person--is it an act of service? Something you buy at a store? Or perhaps something you make for them or with them? Ask yourselves if there's any way to reduce the number of gifts you need to get or the amount of money you need to spend by planning in advance and coordinating--can you go in on a gift with others or draw names with extended family?
2. Talk to your kids about what it means to choose a good gift. Researcher Marilyn Price-Mitchell recommends that parents ask their kids to consider these questions before settling on which gifts to get and how to get them (Obviously, not all of these questions will be helpful to kids of all ages, but you can pick a few you think would be best for your family):
   
   If gifts could talk, what would they say?
   What gifts have you treasured the most? Why?
   What is the problem with gifts?
   What does a gift really mean?
   What is a gift you would never return?
   How does the meaning of gift-giving change as we get older?
   How do you measure the value of a gift?
   
3. Now, divvy up the list of gift receivers between family members. Think about the relationships between those you want to receive gifts from your family and your family members themselves. Who would be the most meaningful planner and giver? Now it’s time to let family members take on their own list, to brainstorm, research, and plan for the perfect gift for each person they’ve been assigned. Little ones may need an adult or older sibling partner assigned with them, but don't underestimate what they can add. Handmade artwork, for instance, can be a very special gift. Give everyone a clear deadline for when they need to have decided on a gift and take steps to make sure it’s ready to be given. Make sure you leave yourselves plenty of time to talk about and carry out your plans.
4. Bring everyone back together to discuss the gift ideas and come up with a collective plan. Maybe someone has a plan for a gift they can’t execute on their own, either because they don’t have the skills to make it or they need help actually getting out of the house to find it. Maybe some family members have ideas for making the gift ideas even better! Or maybe someone was stumped about what to do. This is a good opportunity to touch base and show that gift-giving can truly be a project shared by the whole family, rather than just one person.
5. With this plan, go out and make it happen! The actual work of buying, making, or otherwise executing these gift ideas can be a lot of fun for family members of all ages. Giving the gifts you’ve put so much work in together can also be fun for the family. Be sure kids get to see the process they started through to the end. Ideally, they should get to see that special person open the gift they came up with and see the impact on them as they learn about how much thought your family put into it.
6. Finally, at some point toward the end of the holidays, talk together as a family about the experience. Note for them the impact their gifts made and ask them to reconsider the questions from point 2 once again. What have you all learned about the value of gifts and gift-giving?

Connect With the Better Life Lab

Are you going to try this week’s experiment? Do you have a story about how you and your own family solved a problem with the work at home? Is there a specific challenge you’ve been trying to tackle? Can this experiment be improved? Please let us know via this form, at bllx@newamerica.org, or in our Facebook group for BLLx Beta Testers.

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