Experiment No. 7: Fairer Family Festivities

The Basics

We’re Trying to Solve: One person doing all the work to make holiday magic
Target Audience: Everyone
Ages: 3 and up
Category: Mental load, holidays and celebrations
Estimated Time: 1+ hour
Difficulty Level: Difficult, but everyone involved will be happier

My brothers and I used to share a little joke with our dad around every major holiday. The joke was that Mom would inevitably have a minor meltdown the day of a big family gathering, take out some anger on us for not playing our parts the first half of that day, before settling in and enjoying herself for the second half of it. The night before Thanksgiving, for instance, we might all sit around having a laugh about the impending scolding we were going to get the next morning for not being showered and dressed on time, not finishing our assigned chores, and not hurrying into the car quickly to get to grandma’s “on time.” Looking back, this joke doesn’t seem as funny after all. The pressure women and mothers feel to create holiday magic and make sure everything goes just right is something we hear about in our research and reporting often. My mom was not alone in her stress-addled outbursts, though she certainly felt alone those mornings. To her, she felt pressure to get it all done FOR US. But to the rest of us, it just felt like needless pressure that always put a damper on days that were supposed to be happy and carefree. We took for granted all the work she put in so we could be happy and carefree.

When I read Brigid Schulte’s legendary essay on the Thanksgiving that almost ended her marriage, I saw a glimpse of my own childhood, but this time from my overworked, under-appreciated mom’s perspective. Thankfully, I also read about the solutions her family enacted to make things better, and the strategies that could have helped my whole family to avoid this trap all those years. Here, we’ve gathered these strategies into a step-by-step guide to avoiding the holiday stress this year by working together to create a big feast day that works for everyone.

Directions

1. At least one week before a big family day, gather the entire family for a mandatory meeting. Please don’t wait to have this conversation! It’s important to get the whole family involved in planning for a big holiday before any actions are taken to prepare. If there’s something you need to do well in advance to make sure there’s holiday magic on--say, order an organic turkey--it’s important to have the family meeting and assign roles before that happens to make sure no labor goes unseen and uncounted! Don’t let anyone take these little things done in advance for granted.
2. Next, everyone should take a turn going around the circle to say what they value about the upcoming holiday. The most important question for creating any holiday magic - how do you want this day to feel? What do you want to remember? When it’s your turn to talk, each family member focuses on saying what they most enjoy about the big day in question traditionally, or what kinds of emotions they want to experience on it this year. What do you value about the holiday and what do you want the day to represent? This is important. It’s your starting point for figuring out which tasks have to be done and which can be pushed aside to save stress and focus on fun. Do you have a shared vision of what the holiday should be like? If your individual views are divergent, can you make some compromises to ensure it’s a joyous day for everyone?
3. Now, with your shared vision, collectively list the activities, tasks, and treats you want to enjoy on the big day. What do you need to get done to make your vision for the day a reality? Are there things from years past that definitely need to happen to make the day what you want it to be? Don’t just think of the day of, but all the things you need to do to get there. Are there tasks you need to get done well in advance, like sending invitations or going shopping? Some that should wait for the day of? After you make the whole list, connect each of the things you want to have happen to one of the values or goals you set out in your previous list. Is there something that doesn’t match a stated goal? Do you want to add a goal for the day you forgot to include? Or, is it time to let it go or find a less intensive substitute for it? For instance, you may spend too many hours in the kitchen making a gourmet meal for the big day, making your grandma’s stuffing from scratch. But maybe, it turns out, everyone is just as happy with a more basic side on their plates and a boxed substitute from the store will serve the same purpose. It’s time to decide what you really need and want to make time for, and what you can cross off your list now.
4. From here, it’s time to divide up the work in a way that feels fair for everyone. Volunteer and/or assign individual family members to tasks and subtasks necessary to make the family’s vision of the holiday a reality. It’s important to take into account the age of every individual, what people are passionate about, what they’re good at, what they don’t like, and what’s fair. For example, if Dad is the only family member who really wants pumpkin pie, maybe that means he’s gotta make it. But remember, sometimes doing a task collectively, like making all the pies together, can add to the holiday magic too. Holiday joy can be as much about the collaboration involved as it is about the final products.
5. After-Action Report: After the holiday, get everyone back together and reflect on how it went. Was the holiday everything you wanted it to be? Did everyone do their part? Are there things you’d do differently? As a family, make a list of what you learned from this process. Don’t forget this step! This process might work for more of your family’s special days in the future.

Connect With the Better Life Lab

Are you going to try this week’s experiment? Do you have a story about how you and your own family solved a problem with the work at home? Is there a specific challenge you’ve been trying to tackle? Can this experiment be improved? Please let us know via this form, at bllx@newamerica.org, or in our Facebook group for BLLx Beta Testers.

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